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Post-mortem with a pre written eulogy [entries|friends|calendar]
Steven Anderson

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[30 Mar 2006|01:16am]
ive recently come to the conclusion that im not worth shit.
ive also come to the conclusion that i should have gotten years of therapy and hypnosis so that i can actually remember something of my childhood besides nights of my mother being beaten while i watch.

and another, my friends aint worth shit in helping me in that situaition, due to the fact that ive never really opened up that much to anyone, and anybody that i have has shut the door on my fucking nose.
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[30 Mar 2006|12:49am]
smoke clear, fog rolls in, my memory whipes itself off.
the ringing only gets louder as you try to flush it down.
just fucking shake me
pick me up, throw me about.
just fucking wake me up.
i want out of this dream
a waterdowned beer tastes like the morning air
it all just makes me vommit on everything i see around me
cause i swear to god
i might as well be somewhere gone tomorrow
never too near or far, far enough to say im gone.

a decade ago i fell asleep, never to awake.
what happened here.
a child dies in his sleep but awakens in the morning to his suprise
and asks himself "god, why am i alive"
and realizes we wont ever amount to anything in life.

im ready to let go
cut it out
rip it out
ive sat here waiting for too long.
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[21 Mar 2006|03:34pm]
4 YEARS AGO

How old were you?: 15

What school year were you in?: 9th Grade

Where did you go to school?: GBHS

Where did you work? wasnt working yet

Where did you live?: Gulf Breeze

Where did you hang out?: my room, video games.

How was your hair style?: bowl cut...

Did you wear braces? No

Did you wear glasses: no

Who was your best friend?: Blake Gammel

Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?: didnt have one

Who was your celebrity crush? none

Who was your regular-person crush?: meh

How many piercings did you have?: 0

How many tattoos did you have?: 0

What was your favorite band?: Korn, Mudvayne, metal and rock in general

What was your worst fear?: rejection

Had you smoked a cigarette yet?: No

Had you gotten drunk or high yet?: No

Had you driven yet?: yes

-------------------------------------------------------------
HA HA HA!!! LETS SEE WHAT YOU ARE NOW !!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------

How old are you?: 19

What school year are you in?: 1st year college

Where do you go to school?: PJC

Where do you live?: Gulf Breeze

Where do you hang out?: my house, ed's house, coyotes, PJC, Jay's House

How is your hair style?: scene kid. Long bangs in front, short in back

Do you wear glasses?: to drive

Who is your best friend?: Ash, Peter, Asia, bunch other people

Who is your celebrity crush?: none

Who is your regular-person crush?: random people

How many tattoos do you have?: none

How many piercings do you have?: none

What is your favorite band?: hah

Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend?: none

What is your biggest fear?: meh

Have you driven yet?: own car, roadtrips

Have you smoked a cigarette yet?: a pack a day almost

Have you gotten drunk or high yet?: twice in the last 3 days.
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[19 Mar 2006|09:16pm]
so its been some time. Nothing has really changed. I spent my spring break up in Johnstown, NY with danielle. It was a lot of fun. We went to see FallOutBoy, All American Rejects, Hawthorne Heights, and From First to Last in Albany. The concert kicked ass, lots of it. The night i got home i went over to Jay and Josh's. We all drank a bottle of Jack mixed with coke. I haven't had jack since my alcohol poisoning last year. Reminded me of that horrible feeling. Been sleeping a lot since i got home, so now im kinda restless. Was wanting to hang out with some people tonight, but didn't really pan out. I guess i just need to get some more sleep for school tomorrow.

Meh
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[07 Mar 2006|02:41pm]
i love retaking this thing and seeing how bad each area gets year after year.

DisorderRating
Paranoid Disorder:Very High
Schizoid Disorder:High
Schizotypal Disorder:High
Antisocial Disorder:High
Borderline Disorder:Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:Very High
Avoidant Disorder:High
Dependent Disorder:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --

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[07 Mar 2006|04:06am]
so im driving to New York in 6 days.

im gonna need some cd's
any suggestions?
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[22 Feb 2006|03:14am]
im quiting smoking
and im actually gonna do it this time.
cause i smoked half a pack of red 100's tonight, and it fucked up my singing.
and the fact that i have a horrible ass taste in my mouth now.
and the shortness of breath i find myself having everyonce in a while
and of course the aches in my chest from taking in a deep breath.

fuck that shit.
ill keep to drinking.
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[15 Feb 2006|10:15pm]
so i sang First day of my life by Bright eyes to my basic speaking class as my "love song" for our group sharing and communication assignment.

I felt really dumb in doing it.

oh well.
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[03 Feb 2006|04:37pm]
so i started reading "the complete bartender" today
good stuff.
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yay for a puetro rican named tony [02 Feb 2006|02:15am]
thank you for the beer man.
its much appreciated.

work sucks
school sucks
ex girlfriends suck
lack of sex sucks

i think im gonna crash on the couch tonight
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[31 Jan 2006|03:45am]
i love it when the people that supposedly my friends that i care a lot about.
never have my fucking back
never have a kind word to return for mine.
throw the lowest punches.
put me in the worst moods.

only time that ever will change might be the day of my fucking funeral.

i fucking hate winter, and this is the reason.
where has my fucking best friend gone.
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felt this would be appropriate [30 Jan 2006|02:07am]
THE ULTIMATE DRINKING SURVEY

Thousands have taken it....... lets see if you can handle it, you drunken bastard! If you answer 'no' to number one, then there is no need to keep going. But if it's 'yes', then let the answers roll ...

1. Have you ever been drunk? hah

2. How old were you the first time? 18

3. Have you ever gotten/given digits while intoxicated? given - on a weekly basis, gotten - nope

4. Have you ever 'drunk dialed'? oh yes

5. Have you ever been drunk in front of family members? hungover - yes, drunk - no

6. Have you ever had to cover up the fact that you were drunk? yes

7. Have you ever been arrested for any alcohol related crime? no

8. Have you ever hooked-up with someone while drunk? yes

9 Ever forgot their name? no

10. When was the last time you were drunk? last monday, tuesday, and wednesday

11. Have you ever been on a drunken binge? week and a half after thankgiving

12. Do you need alcohol to have a good time? not really, but it helps... a lot.

13. What kind of alcohol gets you the most intoxicated? rum and vodka

14. Favorite liquor: its a tie between Kettel One and Jager

15. Favorite beer: Mich Ultra

16. Have you ever woken up after a night of drinking and found that you were still drunk? oh yeah

17. Have you ever swam drunk? no

18. What kind of a drunk are you? either a loud happy drunk or a quiet "i wanna beat your face in" drunk

20. Favorite drinking partner: Nowadays i only drink when im with Erich, or im by myself

21. Favorite bar: Coyote's

22. Have you ever completely blacked out? yup

23. Have you ever puked from drinking? only twice

24. Have you ever had the 'crying drunks'? had a breakdown at one party at Tom's last year over summer

25. Can you still do physical activity while intoxicated? ive fucking bussed tables, quite quickly, while drunk

26. Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight? no

27. Who is the most annoying drunk that you know? Seth is pretty fucking annoying, you know.. starting bar fights..

28. Who is the most flirtatious drunk? me

29. Do you have a drunken nickname? stevphan

30. Have you received a drunken 'booty call'? no

31. Funniest drunken scene in a movie: anything with Frank The Tank

32. Favorite song(s) about drinking: dunno

33. Have you ever woke up next to someone you didnt know? no

34. Have you ever been hit on by someone way older than you? yes actually

35. What's the worst 'buzz kill'? being singled out, or anger

36. Have you ever dated a bartender or bouncer or cocktail waitress? no, but i know a few

37. Do you ever say to yourself, "Damn, I need a drink"? too often

38. Do strangers ever buy you drinks? more often than not

39. Have you ever drank too much on a date? no

40. Is there anything that you refuse to drink? wine, i fucking hate wine...

41. Have you ever been drunk on a plane? no

42. Have you ever gotten drunk during the day? yes

43. Have you ever had to run from the cops and leave the beer? no

44. What's your favorite drinking game? none

45. Have you ever injured yourself while drunk? besides carpet burns and brusies, no. Basically i laugh and fall down a lot.

46. What's the most destructive thing that has happened while you were drunk? dunno

47. Ever been drunk at a concert? no

48. Is this survey getting too long? not really. it just needs a better variety of questions

49. Are you ready for the last question? meh

50. Why do you drink? cause im the life of the party. because it feels good, and it is fun.
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[30 Jan 2006|12:28am]
here I am in life
arrived just past the nick of time
so many nights ive sat writing
and wishing on stars that fly on by

im smoking my lungs black
im drinking my liver into a rock
but somewhere im happy
cause i know nothing is gonna suprise me

so im here
living out my dreams on my own
just watchin the time pass by
just singin along with the songs of old

its time i take my place
take my stand against all space
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Chuck Norris [28 Jan 2006|07:37pm]
Reasons why Chuck Norris is better than everyone else:

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

6. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

7. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

8. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

9. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

11. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

12. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

13. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

14. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

15. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

17. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

18. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

19. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

20. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

21. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

22. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

25. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

26. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

27. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

28. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

29. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
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[28 Jan 2006|03:40am]
im sick of making that long drive home im always making
alone.
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[27 Jan 2006|01:18am]
long
fucking night
my head feels like its gonna explode.
a beer, a bc powder, and a cigarette.

just waiting for something to get better.
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[24 Jan 2006|01:50am]
huhouh;uh;uh;uh;uh;uh;kh
like blows
you blow.
everything blows
couples blow
be happy somewhere icant see you
cause i dont wanna see you
fuck fuck fuck fuckf duck
this is where the drinksteven stops.
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[24 Jan 2006|01:14am]
greg is the best manager sidelines has.
mainl y from the fact that im drunk right now.
and i had to retype that first line a few times.
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substance influenced hypermania [22 Jan 2006|03:42am]
i cant go 5 minutes in life without losing your confidence, you ever caring kind words. I live here in my own mind, washing away stains brought about by my disgusting habbits. Condemded building have better futures than anything i have forseen. plow over and rebuild, but there isnt any reset button with this. Push in and sit back to a display of how horrid the human life can turn. Watch as bodies of people you'll never really understand transform into a combination of vice and cheap sex. Its disgusting. Only one solution presents itself. Chemicals might work on white carpet that has black stains wider than black holes, but its not going to cleanse a wethered past.
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[22 Jan 2006|02:59am]
im guessing its not a good thing that it takes a lot of drinking to make any amount of genuine emotion to surface.
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